Yes or No?

yes or noOur anonymous poster is in the very early stages of considering second time adoption, but is unsure what to do. Have you been in a similar situation? Please post your advice in the comments below…

We have a birth child who is 13. 5 years ago, we then adopted our son, he’s 7.
Social Services have recently been in touch with us because our son’s birth mother has had another baby, and due to her circumstances is no longer in a position to look after the child. We’ve been asked if we would consider adopting the child (who is 18months at the moment).

I’d like to ask any other adoptive parents who’ve adopted a sibling later, how did you make the decision?

We’re struggling because we *thought* our family was complete. At the ages they are, we’ve kind of moved on as a family, we’re at the next set of challenges, but also the next fun period where they’re old enough now to appreciate new things. BUT, well, now the opportunity to have another child, and not just any child, but our son’s full sibling has arisen, we’re wondering if we could do it all again, and what the impact on our other children would be…

I’d love to hear how you arrived at your decisions…

4 thoughts on “Yes or No?

  1. Misbah

    My OH & I have been in this very situation. We already have a sibling pair. As soon as we were matched we we were told that the BM was pregnant with the 3rd full sibling but nothing was concrete in regards to the baby’s future of being put for adoption. Fast forward a year and that sibling is in the care system, she unfortunately has suffered just like her older brother – now my son. We were told that her needs were more complex than that of our son, we weren’t really given the option of taking her. In all honesty as much as my OH and I would have loved to have her we both know that our son has been affected so much so from neglect that taking the youngest sibling would possibly damage him further & would be too much pressure on us as we’ve certainly been through the mill since our son & daughter were placed with us. We knew that we wouldn’t have been able to meet the needs of this 3rd sibling as well as giving our son the time & attention he needs. Sometimes I guess you have to be cruel to be kind 🙁

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  2. Jennifer

    We have recently adopted a 3rd child, but with a 9 year age gap between middle and youngest we have faced some challenges. The older two want to go to theme parks, play foodball and have their mates round… the youngest wants to play with teddy bears and have long naps with peace and quiet. It is a struggle to meet everyones needs.
    However, we are just about managing that. We are trying to teach the older two they need to be quiet so youngest can sleep. The youngest is learning it can be fun to watch the elder two screaming on roller coasters! Its not ideal but it can work.
    It is a very big decision, and one that I am sure will take up much of your thoughts over the coming weeks. I would suggest meeting with the social worker and asking to find out more information, see photos/videos and discuss what support they will be offering.
    If you decide not to adopt this little one, there is no reason why she can’t still be part of your lives. Ask for direct contact, possibly 4 or 5 times a year is appropriate. I know families where this arrangement works very well.
    Good luck with making your decision xxx

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  3. Alix

    We also were in a similar position, we’d adopted our daughter, then nearly two years later we were told of a half sibling, who we also adopted. Then not even a year later we were told of a full sibling for our second daughter, a half sister for our first. We started the process of being approved and getting ready for adopting another, but realised about two thirds of the way through the process that it just wasn’t right – we were very stressed, both girls were picking up on it, the first was having problems at school and there was very little age gap between the second and the third, we didn’t even have another bedroom for sibling three and had discussed moving eldest out of her beloved bedroom that had been her sanctuary since coming to live with us. We really felt like a weight was lifted from our shoulders when we made the decision, so it was the right one. We have contact with third, and fourth! sibling and it’s like having an extended family. Our two know that they have siblings but just that they don’t live with us. Not having the third means that we can focus on the increasingly complex needs of the two lovely girls we have. Good luck with the decision, go with what feels right for you as parents and as a family – you will know if it’s right if you can breathe again!

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  4. Gem

    This is such an emotional issue and one we will be facing again in the not too distant future. We have just been placed with Katie’s younger brother, Pip, who is now 9 months old. We were already going through the adoption process for a second child so the timing was perfect for us and adopting a biological sibling was the icing on the cake for us all. Rumour has it that BM is already pg again and we know that this is a scenario that will happen time and time again. I know that I would not be a good parent to more than two children. I had to think long and hard about increasing to two so I know that three is not an option. I made hubby sit down and discuss recently what we would say when the phone rings about the next child because I don’t want emotions to cloud the issue. I know I will find it hard to say no but I know that the child will be better off with another family who can give the time and energy that I no longer have. I would want an agreement for regular contact however (we are already waiting to start this with the middle sibling). I think it always has to be a decision based on what is right for you all. If it feels ok then you can go for it but if you have doubts then I think it’s better to talk about other options. Our children need so much more input than most birth children so we have so much more to consider. It’s a horrible scenario though. If we were biological parents we would make a decision about when to add to our family. In our situations someone else’s decision to have another child can put us in an incredibly difficult and emotional position where we find it hard to say no. I joke that I don’t want to be Ma Walton and end up with 7 children.

    Good luck making your decision. I feel for you and know that I’ll be in your position probably before the year is out. xx

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