A birth mums story….a little boy loved. 

Today one birth mum, Millie, bravely tells the story of how her child came to be adopted.
It was late on in the pregnancy that I found out. I knew the father – we had been together a number of years but had split, I had a job, some good friends, a lot of love to give. But love it’s self couldn’t let me parent my son. A son conceived by rape. Nor could it sort out the demons that night left me with. 
I knew adoption was right, even though I reconsidered after his birth. I knew in my heart of hearts that he would be safer, more enriched, better cared for by another family. His forever family. 
At length I spoke to his social worker, detail after detail, photo after photo. I told her how much I wanted him to thrive. The doors left open for his questions. Making it clear that I wasn’t out right rejecting him because I wasn’t. He will always have a place in my life. Whether that’s in my mind and through letter box or in years to come face to face; he can find me if he wants and I will welcome him. 
I’ve met him, I’ve cuddled him, he’s smiled for me, I’ve held him through his injections, he’s played with my hair, I’ve kissed him farewell and he’s cuddled me back. That was gut wrenching. Our goodbye contact. Horrible name. Yet surprisingly it went ok, his social worker kindly supervised it, he was relaxed and responsive. I held it together until I put him in her car. That hurt. I focused on knowing he was going to a nice family. And they are lovely, I’ve met mum and we spoke, sharing little snippets of info that you don’t get in a CPR or a letter box letter. 
For me I know I’ve done what I can to ensure his future. Attending court dates and meetings, sharing info has felt impossible at times. Receiving my first letterbox broke my heart because he has everything I desperately want him to have, just not with me. 
There’ll be no slating the system from me, no denying my part in his adoption, the responsibility lands squarely at my feet. There will however be an acknowledgement that we (me, social workers, placement workers, adopters) all worked together for a little boy who is so very much loved.
Somewhere…somewhere in time’s own space
There must be some sweet pastured place

Where creeks sing on and tall trees grow

Some Paradise where horses go.

For by the love that guides my pen
I know great horses live again.

2 thoughts on “A birth mums story….a little boy loved. 

  1. Gem

    I’m in tears reading this post and thinking of everything you went through. To be raped is brutal enough and to then have to go through the emotional turmoil of that and being pregnant and deciding upon adoption must have been agonising. I hope your wounds have healed enough for you to live your life again. I’m glad your son is doing well and that you were able to meet his adoptive mum. We were never able to do that. It must be a gut wrenching experience. You have been brave on so many levels that I hope the world has treated you more kindly than these experiences. Thank you for sharing xx


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