#Allchildrendothat – An Animation from The Open Nest

So the great news, that you might have already heard, is that The Open Nest would like to commission another animation which can be used for training and educating.  This is following the huge success of their previous film, which we’ve posted below.

The Open Nest. The Lost Children Of Trauma. from marry waterson on Vimeo.

Again, we are looking to the online community to provide the research on which this animation will be based. The subject of this next animation is to be, misunderstanding from family & friends in our support network, the unhelpful advice that is offered and the inappropriate things that are said. We would also like to hear about the helpful things that your support network do for you and the supportive things that people say or do which really help you.

Not all information will be able to be used but we will look for common themes and  incorporate as many ideas as possible.

So please make a comment below, or share a comment on Twitter or Facebook and please remember to use the hashtag #allchildrendothat which will make it much easier to collate the research.

9 thoughts on “#Allchildrendothat – An Animation from The Open Nest

  1. s

    #allchildrendothat ‘it must be in their blood’ ‘all they need is love’, ‘but they appear so good..’

    ‘the gene pool won’t be strong so don’t except too much’. ‘I am glad you didn’t get a darkie!!

    on a positive side – a few trusted sitters do give us a break. Friends that respect the children’s stories as their own and do not intrude. Solid friends with whom we can relax fit us all in their home for a break.

    Reply
  2. Jennifer

    Helpful :
    Laundry pile that disappears from home and reappears washed and ironed.
    Fleeting trip to supermarket for CUPPA with a friend.
    Just hanging on and listening not trying to fix the unfixable
    Understanding that trauma causes actual physical brain damage and so we need life long support
    Getting language around adoption right- we are their ‘real’ parents
    Respecting us for the exhausting role we do in expertly parenting the struggling adoptive child
    Having the kids for a couple of hrs so we get a break.
    Giving the other children at home special time and space from adopted siblings

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  3. Jennifer

    Unhelpful
    1) all children do that
    They do but the intensity, frequency and the reasons behind the behaviour are totally different.
    2) they need a smack
    No they don’t- they’ve already suffered so much a smack won’t help them.
    3) sticker charts will fix that. Nope. They can’t do cause and effect thinking so rewards and sanctions don’t work.
    4) We arent second choice, second rate and probably better ‘qualified’ as insightful parents than biological ones.
    5) listen to us and don’t dismiss us when it’s impossibly hard. We need a hand to hold

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  4. Jane

    #allchildrendothat generally it’s the disappointment when people you think would ‘get it’ don’t ‘get it’. You know then that those relationships which have meant so much are now lost to you.
    Statements such as…’she’s very wilful isn’t she?’ ‘Shes very aggressive isn’t she?’ ‘She needs to learn’ ‘She just needs firm boundaries’ ‘you have been very stressed and that won’t help her will it?’ ‘Stop reading those adoption books you just need to get on with it now’ ‘what about bad blood?’ ‘She was only a baby so she won’t be as damaged as the older kids’ ‘she was only a toddler so she won’t remember anything’ how could her parents give her up for adoption?’ ‘Were her real parents really poor?’ ‘All she needs is love’ ‘she’s very lucky’ ‘why are you still carrying her she’s too big for that’ ‘do you think she’s got ADHD?’ ‘Dont you worry how she might turn out?’ ‘Apples don’t fall far from the tree’ ‘children are very resilient’ ‘you need to stop worrying you’re going to make yourself Ill’
    Helpful things? One friend who really gets the theory around trauma and brain development and relates to dd with that in mind.
    A friend that really marvels (as I do) at what a brave and amazing little girl I have.
    The same friend brings me gorgeous food so I don’t have to cook when she visits and we can just sit and chat.
    My mums fierce loyalty to dd (particularly in the school yard!) no matter what dd does or says! Mum will always assume it was the other child’s fault! Ha!
    People acknowledging that it must be tough at times.
    People spending time with us and not judging. They accept the tricky behaviour but don’t define me or my daughter by it.
    Friends who stay in touch despite how adoption has changed me and the way I live my life.
    My mums willingness to come over when I need to lie down in a darkened room for a while!
    Her ability to tidy up my house discretely and with no fuss when it’s looked like a bombs hit it.

    Reply
  5. Five Go On An Adventure

    We have the same negative remarks as many others so some positives are – the friends that call a gin and tonic board meeting when I am low, the reply to a text that I have sent sending me, child 3 who had been smacked in the face and child 4 who had done the smacking a hug and the time when we had diva drama over the cat potentially being put to sleep “wish I was there to share it with you, your family is so funny when you’re not the one dealing with the drama, you should write a sitcom!” My Dad saying oh dear so what’s the best way of handling that. The nursery setting up a positives book so we talk about the good stuff. The hug from someone who just sees that I need it. I try to surround myself with those who support not easy but…. PS sometimes it is something that all children do its just that we have to handle the response in a completely different way!!!! Fabulous idea for an animation

    Reply
  6. Meggy

    A close friend’s husband walked out on her and her two young boys recently. Tragic for her. Really hard for my boys, who are friends with hers. Mine are asking “our Dad won’t go away too, will he?” Other friends are not understanding how very real that fear is, how insecure they are deep down, and are belittling their fears.
    My 11 year old being told by his grandad that he’s too old to hold hands. Too old to sit on my lap in church. Being told he needs to try and concentrate, when I can see that he is exhausted and overwhelmed from trying. Being told “I never behaved like that when I was a boy.”

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  7. LilyFaerie

    Advice from the well-meaning support network around me has recently included:

    “You’re doing adoption all wrong. No wonder he’s having problems, he knows too much about his past. He should never have been told he was adopted”. That he came to our home at 18 months – with memories of his foster parents appears to be no object to setting up this life-long lie. I can’t get my head around the idea that /everyone else/ in the family would know, but not the child, and somehow, that would make everything better?

    “He just needs a smack. Then he won’t do it again” Yes, lets advocate for smacking children. Lets smack a child that has already lost everything, fears everything and finds it difficult to trust adults. That will totally work.

    “Oh you were the same when you were a child. One week you needed a new hearing aid, the next week you demanded a new school shirt.” This was the response to my telling someone that my child expressed a wish to meet their biological father. This after three weeks of total hell living with my 8yo, including spitting, pooing on floor, swearing at me, attacking the cat, peeing on curtains, beanbags, in plant pots, and behind the sofa, throwing his dinner in to the nearest hiding place, throwing juice over freshly painted walls and telling teachers to f-off.

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  8. Philip

    Nothing to add bar……. to all adopters: YOU, YOUR CHILDREN AND THOSE THAT POSITIVELY SUPPORT YOU ARE WONDERFUL, BRAVE, GLORIOUS, STRONG, RESILIENT, CARING, INSPIRING, WARM, LOVING PEOPLE DESERVING OF THE HIGHEST PRAISE.

    Reply

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