“I’m just nipping to the loo, would you like to hold baby, g’wan I know you really want a cuddle”, says my friend as she thrusts baby at me and heads the other way. Er, well actually no, I don’t really want a cuddle. She’s lovely and cute and all that but ………… well I couldn’t really say this to my friend so I’m left holding the baby and try desperately not to think “if only”.
I thought I was over not having my own child, I really really did. I thought I’d got over the failed IVF. I discussed it loads with the social worker and with my partner and had accepted the fact.
But I guess I haven’t. My friend having her baby, pregnant mums in the playground (lots of them), Kate Middleton, endless debates about morning sickness, Holly-flipping-Willoughby, the cover of Hello this week with a new pop star mum. Everywhere there are babies. Before my friend gave birth, I sat in a cafe listening to her give TMI about the pregnancy. When I met her after baby had been born she was explaining something about being a new mum – I can’t remember exactly, probably something about sore nipples – and she used the phrase “you know how it is”. I laughed with her but what I really wanted to do was stand up, cry and shout “No, I bloody don’t know how it is!!”. I didn’t send her flowers when baby was born but then she didn’t send me anything when my child came home. In fact nobody did apart from one acquaintance, not even a friend, just a business acquaintance. Petty on my behalf? Maybe.
Don’t get me wrong, I do actually like babies and my friend’s baby is indeed gorgeous. But it’s a constant reminder to me that I have failed in what should be the most natural thing to do and give birth. “At least you don’t have stretch marks or saggy boobs”, said someone to me once. Ah well, that’s ok then. Aaarggh! Honestly, I swap my 34D and smooth(ish) skin any day.
I guess I should seek some counselling but I don’t know if I want to discuss it with someone who really doesn’t understand the depth of my feeling. Of course the people to discuss it with are probably those reading this blog – adopters who have also be denied the joy of delivering a new born baby.
Today’s post is from an anonymous adoptive mum – if you have something you’d like to share anonymously too, then please do email us at firstname.lastname@example.org