In this, The Blog section of The Adoption Social, we welcome contributions either anonymous or named on any subject related to adoption. In the past we’ve published poetry, emotional pieces, rants and useful information, so if you’d like to contribute, then please do get in touch.
We acknowledge that lots of people who read The Adoption Social don’t necessarily have their own blogs to write on, so please do feel free to use this space to have your say.
Today’s post comes from an adoptive parent who has chosen to remain anonymous…
I’ve been there, through the process, and I have my kids as a result.
I wanted my kids more than anything.
I was desperate to become a mum, especially after spending so much time having IVF, and other fertility treatments. We spent 2 years getting approved, linked and matched and 8 years on I wouldn’t have it any other way.
So what I don’t understand is why so many prospective adopters complain about the adoption process. I mean seriously – you want a kid don’t you? That’s why you’re doing it? If you find the questions too invasive, too personal, too probing then perhaps you’re not the right person to adopt, or perhaps you need to ask your social worker to explain why they’re asking you those questions.
You think it’s personal when they ask that you’re financially secure? Wait until you have to give up work because your child has so many issues that you need to be there 24/7. Yes even school age children.
You think they’re probing when they ask about your relationship with your partner? Wait until your child is using every trick up their sleeve to rip you away from your partner, trying to make you side with them, using you against each other.
You think they’re being nosy when they ask about your childhood? Wait until something your child does triggers a moment in your childhood and sends you spiralling.
You think they’re being over-the-top by asking you to be reflective? Just wait until you’re in family therapy and you have to reconsider your parenting style, your partner’s parenting style, your relationship, your family routines and everything else is under scrutiny.
You think it’s insignificant when they want to see a strong support network? Wait until all your friends have dropped away because they a) don’t understand the way you parent b) don’t agree with the way you parent c) can’t handle being around your children d) don’t like their children spending time with your ‘wild ones’ e) tell you ‘all children do that’ or f) don’t/can’t understand why you need their support.
There are reasons for every question you are asked in your homestudy. If you don’t understand them then ASK your social worker.
Your social worker wants to see that you can answer their questions honestly, and they want the right answers of course, but they will also want you to question them – no good being compliant just to get through the process. Use the homestudy to ask questions, research, learn, speak to other adopters, and find out what post adoption support there is – that’s what you need to worry about, not whether the questions are too personal.