Category Archives: Potato Group News

The Potato Group News

Bamboo Scaffolding: part 3: makes more sense if you have read parts I and 2

How we avoided a Thai jail and . . .did we get home safely?

I arranged a late checkout for one room, asking D to bring all his stuff to my room before noon. Our airport transfer was at 4pm. I Whats App’d a reminder the night before and at 11am . . .miraculously he was nearly ready at 12 and allowed me into his room to help him carry some of his stuff. I was able to flush his loo and put some rubbish into bags so the cleaners didn’t have a fit! . . .how much chaos can a traumatised young person create in 8 days? Then we set off for our last brunch.

Mistake number 1: His anxiety was already rising in anticipation of the long plane journey home. Why did I suggest we tried the café 50yards to the left instead of the one 100 yards to the right, at which we had eaten 2 or 3 times already? When stressed, D becomes more rigid and less able to manage even small changes. He sat at the table, refused all food and drink and put his head down.

Mistake number 2: I should have paid for my order without waiting for it and left. Instead I waited for my food and gave D my room key as he stomped off back to the hotel. After eating, I hurried back, asked for a second room key and spotted D head down skulking in a corner of the lobby. I put my remaining Thai Baht on the table beside him and encouraged him to order a snack or drink. I went back to the room saying – ‘come up for a shower when you want’. No eye contact, not even a grunt.

Fascination with weapons and fear: Since I met my son, aged 4 years, D has had a fascination with weapons. Developmental trauma and insecure attachment, with an avoidant and disorganized pattern, leave D fearful for his own safety (e.g. found alone in a flat by police aged 2y). For years he has kept a symbolic weapon under his mattress, a small wooden Maori spear, later pieces of ‘found’ wood or metal, later still a baseball bat, a machete and a crossbow . . . . . All the latter we confiscated on discovery, facing his rage, on the basis that ‘rage without machete’ is safer than ‘rage with machete’. He quickly discovered that Thai market stalls (where I bought sarongs and elephants) sold a full range of weapons. He told me that during the week he was offered cannabis and an AK47 . . . . . . .a micro moment of positive maturation, he said he declined them. However, he did produce a flick knife, a taser torch, and a metal kosh, which he insisted were legal to transport home in our shared suitcase.

D skillfully places me in no-win situations regularly. Do I refuse to pack them and risk the inevitable meltdown with him destroying the hotel room and/or storming off and missing our non-transferable flight, or showing adolescent to parent violence to me leading to arrest by Thai police, or do I pack them and face arrest at the airport? I packed them. We shared one small check-in suitcase and each had hand luggage.
I assumed D was still in the lobby; he did not respond to my infrequent ‘Whats App’ messages. I Whats App’d him encouraging him to chill in the room while I spent an hour by the hotel pool.

When I left the pool, some 3 hours after he left the café . . . . .I sat across his table in the lobby, ordered myself an ice cream, and asked if he wanted a drink . . . .he finally accepted his first food or drink in 15 hours. It had taken him 3 hours to emotionally regulate himself enough to be able to eat, drink and join me to finish packing.

Despite having given me dodgy items to pack, he became acutely disregulated when he saw I had a wooden broom with my luggage. I didn’t make Mistake number 3: I left it and a few other items in the room with a note for the cleaner.

Back down in the lobby, I checked out and we waited for our transfer: luckily this was a short wait and we set off to the airport in a heavy tropical storm.
The airport: Drug smuggling and Thai airports are often in the news; I was fairly certain we didn’t have any drugs. From stepping into the terminal, I had a bodily sense of fear – just an inkling of the fear that my son endures most hours of most days.

Checking in: We checked in, the case sped off down the conveyor belt. A repeat of the slow zigzag through security checks, then a large and very noisy airport lounge. Between us we had enough small change to get D a Subway. Bland globalization gives D reassuring familiarity whilst I seek local, quirky and different. D always finds even the shortest wait a challenge. The loud tannoys in several languages, including barely decipherable English, were steadily winding D up; there was no quiet corner to retreat to. As his agitation increased, a woman from Thai tourism approached me to complete a lengthy questionnaire. – that could have been the tipping point to meltdown. Why didn’t I politely decline.

I had tuned out the tannoy, but D said they were announcing my name to go to the desk at our gate. I was asked about the contents of my case, which was being brought off the plane. I was escorted into a private part of the airport, abandoning D in the airport lounge, hastily thrusting his passport and boarding pass into his hands. I was more fearful for D’s reaction to abandonment than what was about to happen to me.
Look out for Part 4 : . . . . .did we get home safely?

www.thepotatogroup.org.uk 

The Potato Group News

 

 

Work and purpose have always been important to me – meaning I travelled work into war zones aged 27 and beyond – seeing things happen to children and adults that should never ever happen to anyone I came back deciding to adopt a child who needed a home – initially from overseas but as a single adopter with limited funds – changed to offering a child from this country a home.

I had a job I loved and hoped to work part time and be a mum – it was hard but just about manageable at first but as years passed my very lovely but terribly traumatised daughter grew into her trauma- we had some very good understanding (private professionals) but as local childrens’ services became involved for “support” these were not respected and the traditional behavioural management enforced on us and the therapeutic approach discredited.

Life became more and more difficult for my daughter and she had spells of being unable to leave the house which ended up in complete retreat from a terrifying world aged 13, until she was moved into specialist supported living aged 16 1/2. Due to her self harm and many other behaviours resulting from her difficult start in life, I was unable to leave her alone – so was unable to work. In the end I lost my job, my professional registration as I could not work to meet the yearly requirements, some friends and much of my life.

During these years we were both under immense pressure for her to attend her school (a small school for educationally fragile youngsters), professionals came – bringing sticker charts, points systems, consequences – and went leaving blame and stress for us both. The more pressure was put on her the more distressed she became and the more visits from the police were required as she was big and I couldn’t contain her and keep us both safe. Or the dog and cats – the dog had to evacuate to my parents and the cats lived outside.

A spell in the local young persons psychiatric unit did nothing as they didn’t take her out so discharged her saying she was fine and my parenting was inadequate – if she was not in school the next day they would push for her to go into care under order. Of course that was a successful tactic – NOT not as it scared her even more and things got worse. My days started with an awful anxiety – I would wake up in my locked bedroom (for my safety) and tiptoe into hers to check she was still OK, pick up the bloodstained results of the cutting, try to remove as much of the rotting food, dirty plates and smelly clothes as possible before she woke up – she would physically refuse to let me leave the room with anything. I would hear neighbours children going to school and feel an awful grief for us both at all we had lost, fear for the future and utterly imprisoned in my home.

My main social life and support was online – the POTATO group and other adoption support sites – my father teen sat once a week so I could go to a choir and I got the occasional in house respite and my parents slept here overnight so I could go away either to POTATO meetings or hill walking with friends and the wee dog. I was threatened with prosecution for allowing truancy and a hearing was held about this and whether a care order would be granted – luckily we escaped both but things dragged on as before – more professionals, more behaviour charts…….luckily we still had some good support but they were also powerless in the system.

Finally a room became available in a nearby unit for supported living for young people with mental health problems – getting her there was difficult, and the first few months there were many ups and downs -particularly downs.
But it meant I could get my life back – I started working in a homeless hostel – but my confidence had taken a HUGE knock – I found it difficult to speak to colleagues – I was physically unfit and very overweight and had no faith in my ability.

Gradually over the last 3 years I have worked to get my registration back, and now have a permanent job which I love – not the field I had specialised in – in fact the last place on earth I would have imagined ending up in. I have new friends , sing in 2 choirs and am feeling more confident than I ever have in my life – I still have counselling and can collapse at any hint of criticism or aggression – real or perceived. Best of all is my relationship with my daughter – she is not functioning as other people her age do – she never got back into education and she is on full disability benefits – she lives in a local flat with her flatmate but they both need a lot of support- any letters they do not understand get “lost” – benefits get suspended because they are too scared to attend appointments and are suspicious of professionals ( she has had well over 100 over the years and some have been good, some dreadful – and often services pull out without much warning). I spend more time that I would like chasing professionals, helping phone benefits offices etc. than I would like – I fear she will always need a lot of support and worry what will happen when I am no longer around to help sort out “muddles” – she is my daughter and it’s not her fault her early life has handicapped her to this degree. We now have a very good loving relationship – something I never thought would happen when a wee girl moved in terrified, raging, hating and if I touched her or her belongings – she would get a cloth and wipe where I had “contaminated”! She is kind and caring – in her own way – and a lovely person – all this never seemed possible during those dark years.

www.thepotatogroup.org.uk

The Potato Group News

An open letter to all the professionals involved in our family life,

In 2009 we adopted 2 children aged 5 and 6 from a background of physical, emotional, sexual abuse and neglect. In October, following a few years of increasingly difficult to manage behaviours (violence/ stealing/ lying/ self-harm etc.) we asked for respite for the first time. So now social services have re-entered our lives. One child took an overdose in August so we also have CAMHS. Our post adoption support service became therapeutically based a couple of years ago, so we have a therapist supporting one of our children (our other child refuses to go). We are both in therapy as individuals to keep afloat. We have friends meeting with us on a regular basis just to try to give our marriage a chance against the daily onslaught of traumatised behaviours that we encounter. This week, we get to meet with an ‘adolescent support team’ who will no doubt tell us what else we’re getting wrong. I’m sorry; we’ve never had adolescents before. Let alone adolescents whose inner world is so utterly fractured. We know we’re getting things wrong.

But how hard would it be to hear, in a unified voice, all you ‘support’ services saying what we actually need to hear, rather than a sense of social services just checking off a risk assessment checklist to see if we have the emotional capacity to parent our kids (because we asked for respite)?

How hard would it be for someone to believe in and say the things we really need to hear? Things like ‘It’s so hard to do what you do – well done for doing it.’

Or ‘I know you’ve read every piece of therapeutic literature on parenting adoptive kids and have tried so hard to put it into practice – everyday. I think you’re doing an incredible job.’

Or ‘ We know you’ve read Winnicott and want so much to be more than ‘good enough’ and you’ve read Erickson and we want to help you re-establish self-control in you and your kids and you ooze Dan Hughes because you know you want to resist the brain changes that happen to long term carers of traumatised children. Even with your mistakes and humanity, you are more than good enough and we want to help you with the things that are still hard for you.’

Or ‘Who knows how much harder it would have been for your kids if they hadn’t had adoptive parents who spend all their waking moments wishing they could get it more right – your kids are really lucky to have you.’

Or ‘I know that some days your kids do things that make it hard for you to get out of bed. And that’s not because you’re useless parents, it’s because of the abuse that happened before they ever met you. I am proud of you for choosing to keep getting up.’

Or ‘I can’t believe that it has taken till now for the proverbial whatsit to hit the fan. You must have really been putting some effort into parenting. I am glad that there are parents like you in the world.’

Or ‘Who else chooses to stay in a role which involves undeserved daily abuse? We don’t have to – if anyone abuses us, we get to walk away and they get in trouble. You are amazing to love kids who abuse you because you represent someone else.’

Or ‘How hard it must be to know you represent someone else and to know that one day your kids may choose to abandon you for that someone else. How strong you are to keep on loving them regardless.’

Or ‘I know that you choose to lie down at night and tell your child you love them, even though that day they hit and kicked you or verbally abused you. I know that you choose to remember that they had to do it to you to test if the world was safe. I know that you want so much for them to believe that the world is safe that you overcome every emotion in your body to go into their room at night and hold them.’

Or ‘I hear that you cry at night, not just for yourself but because, even after all this abuse, you wish your kids could trust in just one relationship. I’m here to support you too.’

Or ‘I know that you hate the mistakes that you make. I know that you hate the fact that you had to ask for respite. I know that you hate the fact that that request has brought more judgement on you than you can bear right now but that you are choosing to stand up under it and continue anyway. I don’t want to be part for that judgement – I want to do the job I signed up to do which was to genuinely help parents like you.’

How hard would it be?

I tell my kids that if I go for a walk with someone and it starts to rain, then I stop to put up an umbrella. I don’t do it because I want the walk to stop, but because I want the walk to continue. When I ‘stopped’ to ask for respite, it was because I wanted the walk to continue but I needed some resources to make that happen. I don’t think the umbrella shop should make me feel bad for asking for an umbrella. It’s not particularly helpful to be handed a small umbrella that only covers my kids. (And if you hand the umbrella straight to my kids then they’ll almost certainly refuse to carry it themselves.) I have yet to find a shop that sells big golf umbrellas. I don’t want critical comment on how I’ve been walking up to now. (I’ll be criticising myself for walking into this storm anyway.)

If you have suggestions on a better route to help me, then let me know; but please put up an umbrella first so we can be dry while we look at your map.
If you’ve read this far, thanks for reading. It’s genuinely good to know I’m not the only person who goes above and beyond. Because it’s the only way our kids stand a chance in this world. Maybe you’ve gone above and beyond in other ways that support my kids that I don’t know about. Thank you for that too. I hope that when you’ve finished ticking your boxes, that you’ll believe that I also go above and beyond the things that you write down about me. Every day.

www.thepotatogroup.org.uk

The Potato Group News

Moving to Supported Independent Living – the DIY Approach

So here I am, at 7.45am, sat on a folding chair, in an as yet unfurnished flat, on my own, waiting for various workmen and deliveries, I’ve been up since 6am when the dog decided sleep was for wimps, and it’s taken me a 45 minute drive to arrive before 8am, the start of the first time slot for the day. I got home from the same place at 5pm yesterday, slept for an hour and then stepped back into my ‘Mum’ shoes until midnight for our other child. I am beyond tired. This is what a DIY managed move to independence looks like. Two years ago, at 20, our eldest daughter decided the time was right for her to move out and take the world on on her own.

Initially, I’ll admit the thought terrified me, she’s a vulnerable adult – she joined our family when she was 3 years old, with a horrendous history of trauma, abuse and neglect, and these have left a huge, indelible mark. Her childhood has been a rollercoaster ride and I’m deeply impressed that we’ve got her to adulthood in (relatively) one piece, though it has to be said, none of us have come through it unscathed. As she progressed through her teens, the diagnoses came thick and fast and covered several serious mental health issues, for which she will need lifelong medication and support.

So in a fit of positivity, and not wishing to make this a new battleground, we approached various agencies to ask for advice and support. There wasn’t any. I approached friends with contacts in housing, I had a very clear idea of what I was looking for, but the same bleak advice kept coming back. There is no provision for a young adult in the position she is in, that will guarantee the level of support she needs, would tailor it to build on her strengths, or would not risk exposing her vulnerability. So we did what we’ve always done, and built our own model.

We sat down with her and explained the situation. We would work with her to help her achieve her ambitions, but we could only do this as a team. She would need to be as committed as we were to making it work, and surprisingly, she agreed.

With the support of her Mental Health Team, her application for Social Housing was made, we were as shocked as each other when she received an offer on a property she liked. She went with her Dad to view it (I knew my views might not be so welcome, so took a back seat at this stage), she loved it and accepted it. I went with her to sign the contracts and collect the keys. We visited her new home, measured up, and went for lunch to discuss her plans. We also discussed who would be taking responsibility for which areas, and how she wanted this to work. So here is the plan. Her job is to manage moving to live on her own, look after herself appropriately, she is to look after buying her own food, cooking, keeping the place clean and tidy, and organising her washing (for me to collect).

She has agreed to let us know if she needs help or support (and she has been surprisingly brilliant at doing this). Her boyfriend can let us know at any point if he is worried about her, he has her permission to contact us if he feels she is unwell, mentally or physically. We will not insist she moves home, we will work with her to make sure she can reach her goal of independence.

We will support her by managing her money, ensuring she has a safe place to live, working with power and utility companies, being the link with her housing association, we will only visit when invited, we will not check up on her unless she specifically asks us to or her boyfriend has raised concerns. We will continue to manage her medication and her hospital appointments. She has a small fixed budget from us to help her furnish the flat, anything over and above this, she will need to save for and we will help her sort that out. It’s a five year plan, the idea is that she will take ownership of the bits she feels she can manage, when she is ready.

In practical terms, I am the named person to contact on all the contracts she has. We check the meters weekly to ensure she has enough credit and we top them up for her accordingly – we are all on a steep learning curve with this one. Her housing benefit came through surprisingly quickly, which was a huge relief. Her home is still relatively unfurnished, funds have allowed for the basics in terms of sorting out her kitchen, and second hand shops have become a source of fascination and inspiration. She has discovered that being independent is expensive.

In preparation for her move, over the last year, we have developed an envelope system – each days envelope contains her medication and her spending money, she has money for food, split into two envelopes, that have the days of the week on that they need to cover. I put notes and little drawings on the front of the envelopes to remind her of what’s happening (in her home and ours) or where she needs to be. And do you know, despite lots of misgivings from friends and family, we can do this.

Our motto, she and I, is ‘This Girl Can’. It’s rebuilding and re-framing our relationship in a lovely, positive way. The time I am having with her is incredibly special and I feel hugely reassured to know that we are having a positive impact on what she’s achieving, there’s a whole new level of respect for her Dad and I, and I think this is the start of realising that her family really is forever. I don’t doubt there will be days when it all goes in a different direction, but I really do believe that we can do this, and these are the days I shall be holding on to.

www.thepotatogroup.org.uk

The Potato Group News

 

 

When our children were placed with us aged 3 (twins) and 18 months, we had a lot of information about their history of severe neglect due to parents drug and alcohol issues. At that time there was a big focus on attachment and little was known about the impact that such trauma can have on brain development. So, we were told that because they had remained with their older sister (not being adopted) in foster care and had made good attachments there shouldn’t be any problems. Furthermore, there was no evidence of any problems – they were just “naughty” but the FC had provided good care and there were now “no problems”.

Indeed – there seemed not to be anything to be concerned about. Apart from silent crying, over compliance and “hyperactivity”, that is. In any case, after placement they settled down and eventually presented as typical children. And our experience was, actually, that they were “typical” children – if sometimes a little more “hyper” than others.
This all changed for us when our twin girls began to present with mental health problems which eventually resulted in both of them being admitted to inpatient units aged 14.
Now, we all know that the NHS is marvellous! If you have a serious, life-threatening problem, you will almost certainly get the treatment you need at the appropriate time and usually fairly close to home. Not so, if you have a mental health condition. CAMHS is “not fit for purpose” in a lot of areas. The shortage of suitable NHS mental health beds has been highlighted by the media for quite a while now. Lots of professionals make the right “noises” about the issues, but I am not sure how many of them realise the impact that the bed shortage has on both the patient and their families.
Eloise, was placed in an adolescent mental health unit over an hour away from home. She couldn’t go to a local, open, unit as her sister was there, so she was sent to a secure unit two counties away. This was a totally inappropriate admission: she was suffering with anxiety and depression and did not need to be on a secure unit.
The impact of the mental health bed crisis!

Restricted visiting hours meant that, because we had to use a major, usually congested, motorway to get there, we couldn’t see her in the week – meaning she only had visitors at the weekend. She has a younger brother who was too young to be left alone all day so he had to come and visit with us. Meaning he missed out on typical weekend activities with his friends. On occasions, we would turn up to visit her and she would be too unwell to see us for more than 15 minutes. Or her visit would have been cancelled and staff not bothered to call us. When she was allowed local leave from the ward, we had to try and find activities to do (usually restaurants) to “entertain” her.
But, a more serious consequence of this placement was the impact on her wellbeing. It is acknowledged by those working in mental health that patients will copy the behaviours of others they are placed with. Unsurprisingly, once in this unit her mental health deteriorated rapidly with an increase in the severity and frequency of her self-harming and she eventually became violent and was diagnosed with emerging personality disorder. Clinicians decided that she had to be kept in seclusion for an extended period. She was nursed in a room without even a bed – just a mattress on the floor. With nothing to do all day. Supervised constantly by two staff. A decision was made that she needed a bed in a forensic unit. BUT there were no beds available. She had to wait 6 weeks.

She was eventually offered a bed on a forensic unit 2 hours away from home. This hospital was a good placement for her. However, our Saturdays were now all about driving around the country doing visits. It is not just the inconvenience (or the cost) to the family that is the issue – being placed at such a distance has an impact on her treatment and recovery. The hospital felt she would benefit from family therapy – very difficult to do when both parents work and we have to travel so far for each session. As they recover, patients begin to have leave home to spend time with their family and friends. Hospitals find it difficult to facilitate these visits when they involve a four hour round trip (first visits are usually with staff If a home visit takes place on a weekday (and these are supposed to build up to weekly visits) then we, her parents, needed to take time off work and her siblings missed her because they were at school. However, weekend home leave is very problematic as there are fewer staff on shift. Discharge to home involves a gradual transition over time and this is very hard to do with great distances.

Another impact was that it was difficult for us to build a relationship with staff working with her as we couldn’t attend the weekly ward rounds. So, it became hard to ensure she was being well cared for. Her “home” clinical team were often unable to attend meetings about her as it meant being out of the office the whole day. So she quickly got forgotten about.
When she was well enough to be “stepped down” to a less secure placement it became apparent that she “fell between services”. She wasn’t ready to come home as she had become institutionalised. A low secure ward was felt to be inappropriate because it was likely to be too “unsettled” and might unduly influence her – leading to a remission. However, open, acute, units wouldn’t take her as it was considered to be too big a step down. She was caught between provisions: there was literally no hospital suitable for her.
So she had to be moved to a community placement which didn’t work out. And she ended up in a serious of adolescent psychiatric Intensive Care Units (PICU) several hours away (the furthest was a distance of 4 hours)! However, she was approaching 18 and Adult services did not support out of
county placements. Yippee! She’ll be moved closer to home, we thought. But it was not to be. Once again she “fell between services”. PICUs said she did not need their services, she wasn’t unwell enough but the acute team said she was too risky to have on their wards! She is currently 1 1⁄2 away on a PICU waiting for a treatment ward to admit her.

What has become clear to us as we struggle to get the right care for our daughter is that the shortage of suitable mental health beds is very real. There needs to be more emphasis placed on getting patients close to home – to reduce cost/impact on the family, to aid the patient’s recovery and to reduce costs for the Trusts treating them. We have had to fight to get her moved from wards where she was badly treated or inappropriately placed. We have been able to do this because we are not in awe of professionals (having dealt with them for so long as a result of adoption) and because we are articulate and informed. It makes us wonder how many people with mental health problems who do not have a voice are left in unsuitable placements.

The Potato Group News

 

TRANSFERENCE

She comes home apparently calm, but soon I am a nervous wreck inside. I feel anxious in the pit of my stomach and don’t know why. I ask her if anything is wrong – from experience I know that often these feelings I get from nowhere have nothing to do with me. They are hers but she somehow manages to transfer them onto me.

I don’t know how she does this. She doesn’t seem to do it to my husband (though I suspect she does it to her boyfriend). And I don’t pick up on other people’s feelings in this way. We adopted her and her elder sister at the same time. I don’t have that sort of experience with her elder sister.
She continues to tell me that there is nothing wrong. But by now I am in a frenzy of anxiety. The problem is that I know that pushing her for answers will simply infuriate her. She has an autistic spectrum diagnosis and she is not always very good at communicating how she feels to me. And I guess that she thinks that there is no reason for me to question her – she has told me there’s nothing wrong, so why shouldn’t I believe her?
So I have no option but to let her be. But then later that evening we get a message from her boyfriend – they have had a huge row and he has finished with her, but he’s worried about her, so could we keep an eye on her?

She bursts into tears when we confront her. I am now feeling enormously sad instead of the anxiety. And I continue to feel a mixture of sadness/anxiety over the next few weeks, to the point that I am wondering if I am heading for depression (which I have never suffered from).
Sometimes I get angry feelings instead – all directed at an 18 year old boy who I hardly know.
Some days are worse than others. It is useful information as it lets me know how she is doing. Her ex said that he was worried she would harm herself, that she had told him she had suicidal thoughts in the past. So it is useful for me to know when she is particularly down as I can feel it.

I feel like I am experiencing the break-up of the relationship myself. It is hard to explain – I am not mourning the loss of the ex as such, but I am definitely experiencing the feelings.
I now understand why I was so happy last summer. That would have been when they got closer after having seen each other intermittently for a while. She wasn’t sure if she wanted a relationship and then they got really close. At the time I put it down to the weather, my therapy, our new puppy……. Now I can see that I was just picking up a different set of emotions from her.
I have discussed this with my therapist, who knows me and the family well. She thinks it’s a sort of transference, where my daughter is dumping her too-big feelings onto me to deal with as she doesn’t know what to do with them.

Babies can’t manage their emotions and they need a tuned-in caregiver to help them do this.
Our daughter was badly neglected as a baby. Her birth mother had several older children (including our other daughter) and didn’t have much to do with her – she was passed around friends and family and looked after by her older, but primary aged, siblings. It is unlikely that anyone was enabling her to manage her too-big emotions and so she had to try to do it all herself.
We have always known that she tries to self soothe and manage all her problems by herself. She is very reluctant to seek help. She masks amazingly well in public and then falls apart later on. Other people are forever telling me there is nothing wrong with her – she is pretty and fun and, ,at the age of 17 has no anti-social behaviours or habits.
But it seems like things are leaking out – and in my direction.

I have tried to explain what this is like to friends. Most people seem to think that I am being too empathetic, too involved with her, that I need to set an intention not to get drawn in to her business, that I should have better boundaries. But I am not actively doing anything here. I do sympathise with her like any parent would do and try to talk to her about boyfriends and young love and I do try to remember that she is the one with the relationship (or not) here and she can handle it by herself.
But it doesn’t change the fact that I feel her emotions. It seems to me that this is being done to me completely without my permission or any active involvement by me.

My therapist thinks that I am a prime candidate for her feelings because, while she is perfectly primed to be the sort of person who needs to dump emotions on other people, I had the experience of managing my own mother’s emotions as a child, and so I am used to doing this.
It is a ‘perfect storm’ for the two of us. Her sister, my elder daughter, had a very different experience in the birth family, where she was looked after by the birth father (not brilliantly, but he did actively parent her). And my husband didn’t have to manage anyone’s emotions.

So it is something I am experiencing but I don’t know how to fix it. I have explained to my daughter how I feel what she is feeling and she is bewildered, as she doesn’t mean to do it. She is fed up with my preoccupation with this relationship – I keep checking in with her and she doesn’t want to talk about it.
The good news is that the boyfriend is suddenly back and she is euphoric – and so am I…..

The Potato group supports and informs parents of adopted teens.
www.thepotatogroup.org.uk