Tag Archives: birth mum

A birth mums story….a little boy loved. 

Today one birth mum, Millie, bravely tells the story of how her child came to be adopted.
 
It was late on in the pregnancy that I found out. I knew the father – we had been together a number of years but had split, I had a job, some good friends, a lot of love to give. But love it’s self couldn’t let me parent my son. A son conceived by rape. Nor could it sort out the demons that night left me with. 
 
I knew adoption was right, even though I reconsidered after his birth. I knew in my heart of hearts that he would be safer, more enriched, better cared for by another family. His forever family. 
 
At length I spoke to his social worker, detail after detail, photo after photo. I told her how much I wanted him to thrive. The doors left open for his questions. Making it clear that I wasn’t out right rejecting him because I wasn’t. He will always have a place in my life. Whether that’s in my mind and through letter box or in years to come face to face; he can find me if he wants and I will welcome him. 
 
I’ve met him, I’ve cuddled him, he’s smiled for me, I’ve held him through his injections, he’s played with my hair, I’ve kissed him farewell and he’s cuddled me back. That was gut wrenching. Our goodbye contact. Horrible name. Yet surprisingly it went ok, his social worker kindly supervised it, he was relaxed and responsive. I held it together until I put him in her car. That hurt. I focused on knowing he was going to a nice family. And they are lovely, I’ve met mum and we spoke, sharing little snippets of info that you don’t get in a CPR or a letter box letter. 
For me I know I’ve done what I can to ensure his future. Attending court dates and meetings, sharing info has felt impossible at times. Receiving my first letterbox broke my heart because he has everything I desperately want him to have, just not with me. 
 
There’ll be no slating the system from me, no denying my part in his adoption, the responsibility lands squarely at my feet. There will however be an acknowledgement that we (me, social workers, placement workers, adopters) all worked together for a little boy who is so very much loved.
Somewhere…somewhere in time’s own space
There must be some sweet pastured place

Where creeks sing on and tall trees grow

Some Paradise where horses go.

For by the love that guides my pen
I know great horses live again.

Meeting Birth Parents.

Have you met the birth parents of your child? @LisaKobeJ would like some advice on this difficult situation.

A Problem Shared1For many adopters this is one of the biggest hurdles to face, pre-adoption and in the early days, meeting the birth parents. For some cases, where a child’s life is threatened by identifying a future family, it obviously doesn’t happen, but, for many it is encouraged by your social worker. Having done it myself, I know it is the most bizarre and  insane situation you can find yourself in, meeting the person who’s children will, hopefully ,soon be calling you mum or dad.

How do we deal with this meeting? What do you ask? What should you expect?

Have you been through this?

How was it?

Did you decide against it?

Why?

Was it a positive experience?

Why?

We have some questions from those about to embark on this situation which you might be able to answer. Please help other adopters and prospective adopters by sharing in the comments below.

What sort of questions should I be asking birth parents?

How much information about my child should I be sharing – he has been placed 7 months now and was 15 months on placement so has changed quite a bit.

Should I allow SW to introduce me by my first name?

SW has suggested having a photo of me and birth mum, is this a good idea?

We live within 20 miles of BM, whilst this isn’t particularly local there are other reasons why we might find ourselves in the same area, should this cause me any concern?

Please remember how alone being  an adoptive parent can sometimes feel. Here your experiences can help others, so share. If you prefer you can contact @LisaKobeJ with your responses to her questions.