Tag Archives: boys

Role models

Can anyone help today’s poster? This adoptive mum is asking for advice…

I have 2 children – a son and a daughter.
My daughter has no known issues and is meeting all her milestones appropriately.
My son, who is older and not biologically related to his sister is another matter. He has attachment difficulties and sensory processing disorder. He suffers hugely from anxiety, and he manages this through attempts to control everything. My son also gets angry very easily, and lives his life in a hypervigilant state. We are having therapy and feel able (currently) to manageProblem our son’s issues.

But, I am concerned that our daughter will see that it’s normal for boys (and therefore men) to behave as her brother does. When he is having a meltdown, we usually remove our daughter for her safety. This of course means she doesn’t see the eventual calming and resolution – just the fists flying.

What is this teaching her about men? Sadly in her school class she also encounters this as there are several children with additional needs, although of course there are many more that don’t. As much as I want to teach her about being accepting towards other people’s needs, I don’t want to teach her to accept violence directed at her.
I’m not sure how to approach this with her without putting ideas into her young head. Or am I worrying over nothing?

Life on the Frontline – week 41

lotf

A weekly blog from a family made by adoption, warmed by the laughter, broken by the sadness, held together by love with a big dollop of hope, oh, and often soaked in mummy tears.

So now our holiday time is well established and the children are happily hanging out at home. Initially they are happy to remain in the home environment where things are familiar and safe and no pressure is being applied. They like to watch television as a way of unwinding and escapism.

We have the luxury of having two televisions, well we’ve actually got more than two (four *embarrassed lowering of head*) and we still get arguments about who’s watching what where. However, when people can agree, you often find Small sprawled on the sofa in the lounge, watching some American tat and Tall snuggled into his cushion corner, in the dining room, watching an action movie. Some days I know they would stay there all day if I let them and on the odd occasion, I do.

I often feel guilty about the amount of television that is watched in our house, I was never a slave to the oblong box, before children. Once our treasures were safely ensconced in our lives, it didn’t take long to work out the merits of CBeebies, especially once daddy had returned to work. Nought to two children over night was a time juggling feat I struggled with and the delights of Postman Pat often gave me time for a toilet break, cup of tea or even a small amount of time with one child, whilst the other spent time with nanny TV.

So nanny TV is still part of our lives, she now allows me the time to tidy the kitchen, sort the washing, make meals, answer emails go on twitter, crotchet… ok you get the idea. As I said there is a feeling of guilt for not constantly stimulating or interacting with my children, or just turning it off and saying “right you two can go and play now”.

But how long do you think it would be before I’m being called to sort out a disagreement, scuffle or a full blown fight? On average about half an hour I reckon.

Again don’t get me wrong there are times when I do insist on alternative activities, however I ensure I’m on hand to help.

So if we are going into the garden, we all go into the garden to either play together or I’ll do a spot of gardening whilst they play. Or if they go upstairs to play, I’ll ensure, as much as possible, that I’m doing an activity which I can easily come away from if I’m needed.

A friend said to me recently that I worry too much about how my children behave. She was not being unkind; she is a good friend with three very energetic boys of her own. I agreed with her and explained that for me it’s not the point of crisis that worries me, for example if one of the boys hurt themselves or they have a fight. For me it’s the aftermath, the fallout from the event, which is harder to deal with.

So if Tall hurts himself, say he falls off a swing, I’d want to help him, check if he’s okay. However, he may very well pull away from me, feel embarrassed about the incident and embarrassment, for him, is only one teeny tiny step away from shame. Once shame is accessed the mood, Tall’s mood, can be altered for an extended period of time. Shame will also bring a sense of vulnerability, which then means he won’t trust me, or anyone around him and therefore will refuse to cooperate with requests made of him. From here it’s a downwards spiral which many of you will recognise.

If Small is involved in a fallout with his brother he cannot move beyond the point of disagreement. He finds it very difficult to see an alternative point of view to any situation, especially when he feels under threat. So requests to apologise for the part he played and move on, just don’t happen. Instead he stews on the matter and becomes increasingly angry and upset about the incident. We end up with,

“You are always on his side”

“You love him more than me”

“This is the worst day ever”

“I hate you”

So rightly or wrongly I spend a lot of the holidays trying to avoid a crisis point, in any of our activities and yes we do occasionally watch a little too much TV. However I do remember a summer holiday when my sister watched Grease, on video, at least once a day and you know what, she turned out just fine.

In Other News

Tall went off to adventure camp for the later part of the week; however I had to collect him early as he wasn’t coping. More on that next week.

Small and I managed to squeeze in one of our fun shopping trips and as always it did not disappoint. He ended up with a bear armoire, for his all his teddy’s clothes and I got new makeup and beauty products. Everyone’s a winner.

Counting down the sleeps until we fly off to the sun, only four left now and everyone is very excited.

Controlling Children When Out

A PROBLEM SHARED……... Here a mum of two has contributed a problem she has, and would like some advice on. If you’ve had similar experiences and found a way of dealing with it, please share your suggestions in the comments below. I’m sure lots of readers are interested to hear how other families handle problems that many of us face.

I have two boys aged 10 and 7. They were both adopted as toddlers.
My problem is dealing with them when we are out and about. They run around screaming and shouting with total disregard for anyone else.

While I am happy that they are apparently enjoying themselves, it can get inconvenient and dangerous. They barge past people, nearly send toddlers flying and are a real pair of handfuls. They also have poor impulse control and will try to open doors, interfere with pushchairs and generally make themselves a nuisance. It is really stressful and exhausting taking them out as we feel we have to watch them both all the time and it becomes very negative, we are saying no, stop, look out, don’t touch, be careful etc all the time.

ControlingChildren

I try to give praise when I can… But it isn’t always easy, and often goes straight over their heads. They both have very short attention spans and are very active boys, my youngest in particular won’t walk if he can run, and resents having to walk holding hands with me, which is where he usually ends up. We try and take them to places where there is plenty of space and where it is safe, but that isn’t so easy in winter. We have to take them out or they go stir crazy.

Any suggestions please as to how to help them enjoy themselves in a calmer way? The eldest in particular is getting too big to run around like a toddler. We’ve talked to him about it, he understands why he needs to be more careful of other people, but in the heat of the moment he just forgets it all. They are better when we split them up, but they love to be together and we don’t want to divide our family all the time.

Do you have a problem to share? Maybe it’s a certain behaviour your child displays or a how to respond to questions from others. Something that you would like to receive some advice on and hear how others would approach the same issue. If so contact us at theadoptionsocial@mail.com or here on the contributors page.