Being Two Mums

Here one mum from Two Mums, Two Kids? shares her experiences of adoption in a same sex relationship…

2mums
“And which one of you is Mum?” Asked the nurse in A and E last week when we took in a happy-as-larry Squiblet who had just snorted a piece of spaghetti up her right nostril.  “Well, I’m Mum-mee and she’s Ma-maa!” “OK!” Said the cheerful nurse. No worries.  No awkwardness, no issue.

 

 

Our social workers were hung up on us having positive male role models, and how we would tackle Squiblet being bullied for having two mums.

 

The male role models bit irritated Mama more than it did me.  I can see that Squiblet needs to have exposure to men in her life, but she has three loving grandfathers and a whole host of very lovely men who see her lots.  We are not bra-burning man hating feminist lesbians!  But Squiblet will choose her own role models; we can but guide her.  This is why most of the seven year old girls in this country probably want to be a glamour model (I have no evidence to back up this rash statement…but you get my point).

 

 We can introduce Squiblet to as many lovely men as we like, but gender shouldn’t really be a factor in who she chooses to be a role model; there are more important things like intellect, reasoning, humour, self-esteem, social responsibility….I could go on.  This is what irritated Mama…and I can see why.

 

As for bullying, research done by Cambridge University shows that kids with same sex parents do just as well as any other kids.  It’s nice to have that to quote to anyone who is being less than complementary about it, but to be honest I’ve never had to use it!  I think people can see that we love Squiblet and will do anything for her.  Some more elderly folk I know think that we’re “better than her being in a home” which isn’t hugely flattering but it will do! It seems that if a kid will be bullied, then this will be the bully’s focus, but if she was going to be bullied and I was married to a man maybe she would be bullied for living in a bungalow or being tall or having curly hair or…whatever.
 All we can do is help her have the self esteem to believe she is worth more than to let herself be belittled to make someone else feel big.
 I was never bullied, if she is I will find it hard, I will want to wrap her up cuddle her and take her away from things which will hurt her.  But this won’t help…and if she is bullied I will be seeking advice on what to do! For now we will keep working on making her as confident as she can be, and boosting her self esteem.
What else is there to say?
We love love love the Todd Parr books.  It’s OK to be different, We Belong Together and The Family Book are all brilliant.
 I would read them to my kids even if we weren’t two mums because this is the world our children will grow up in and helping them to not just accept and tolerate difference, but to celebrate it, is one of the most important lessons we can teach our children.  One of our distant family members didn’t bring their children to our wedding as they didn’t want to taint them.  I felt deeply sad for those children and still do, firstly, what if they are gay? And secondly, what will they do when they realise that the world is so different to what they thought?…and that it’s not exciting different…it’s scary and wrong different.  Sad.
Anyhow….I digress. Being two mums is great.  So far there have been no issues, no discrimination, no bullying.  Whether this is to come, we will see, but at the moment everyone who meets us is happy to celebrate with us how wonderful Squiblet is and how happy we all are.

4 thoughts on “Being Two Mums

  1. Sally

    We love the Tod Parr books too. Families come in all shapes and sizes is a message that all our children (including those from ‘normal’ family backgrounds) need to hear loud and clear.
    The chatter around adoption by same sex couples always seems to be driven by perceptions of what the children will somehow lack. Not what they will gain. And the bullying thing is a red herring I think. People are being bullied on twitter for being women. That doesn’t mean we should all have boy babies and be led by the stupid.
    Really great post.

    Reply
  2. Lindsay

    Great post. Completely agree that kids will bully on many things that are just as irrational so why focus on the fact of having two moms?

    Also, great comment about not only talking about differences but celebrate them. Kids are so fantastic at this but I find most adults could use some work. Kids will often come right out and point at Jonathan’s Cochlear Implants and say “why does he have those?” being totally curious and not mean in anyway, which I am happy to talk about them, but usually the kids get gently shooed away by awkward parents who are embarrassed by their kid (I typically shout after them ‘great question buddy!’).

    I never have and maybe never will understand why people are afraid of differences.
    Thanks for the post!

    Reply
  3. Kat

    Great post. Our daughter thinks it’s cool to be different and I hope she carries on feeling like this – we will certainly guide her and carry on celebrating our differences. I hope when our son is older he’ll feel the same way too.

    Am going to order the Todd Parr books now. Thanks for recommending xx

    Reply
  4. Rose white

    Great post. Families come in all shapes and sizes. I think my son likes being a bit different – he doesn’t like football but loves to sing and dance. He doesn’t like to play with cars but loves to play with dolls and play mobile. He doesn’t like blue he likes pink. He is proud that he is adopted. He is seven and if anyone laughs at him because he doesn’t do ‘boy’ things, he just shrugs his shoulders and walks off! Long may it continue – hopefully he won’t bow to the pressure to conform!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *